"What Would It Mean to be a Welcoming Congregation?"

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Rev. Suzelle Lynch
October 12, 2003

I'd like to begin with a little story.

Last spring when I was still serving my congregation in Washington State, a young woman who grew up in that church asked me to fly out to Des Moines, Iowa, to officiate at her wedding. Yes, it was a lot to ask, but truly, I was glad to go. I had known Jesse, the young woman in question, since she was thirteen, and she had been my daughter's nanny for a summer. Spencer, Jesse's fiancé, was a nice young man from Des Moines.

I arrived there on Friday evening, just in time to catch the end of the wedding rehearsal dinner - held at the lovely home of a nice middle-aged couple who were friends with Spencer's parents.

Let's stop for a moment now. Whom did you see, in your mind's eye, when I mentioned that nice middle-aged couple who hosted the rehearsal dinner? Did you see white people? People with physical disabilities? An interracial couple? Most likely you saw a man and a woman.

I have to confess that I expected that the party would be hosted by a white man and woman in their early fifties - like Jesse's mom. Like I imagined Spencer's parents to be. But no, it wasn't Ward and June who hosted the dinner, it was Wade and George.

I didn't talk with them very much that evening, since the party was winding down when I arrived. But I did get to know them at the wedding reception the next day.

"It was a very nice ceremony," George said to me as I sat down next to him. I replied with a question, "Have you two had a ceremony of union?" I asked. They looked at me with surprise bordering on shock. "I, I, mean," I said, quickly trying to backtrack, "I'm sorry to sound so nosy. It's just that I've married quite a few gay and lesbian couples, and…" George broke in then with a joke about how they'd just been too busy to find a ring, and the conversation moved on from there.

I felt pretty awkward. I truly had surprised them. Perhaps they'd never had a clergy-person ask them that question before. And sadly, I realized that I was being naïve and heterosexist. Not all gay and lesbian couples want to marry, even if the marriage could be legally recognized and carry all the benefits of heterosexual marriage. Not all gay and lesbian couples are able to be "out" enough to marry, even if they want to, due to the terrible discrimination they face. Marrying lesbian and gay couples is not unusual for me, but it certainly isn't the norm in our wider society or for most clergy.

Indeed, no mainline Protestant denomination; no Jewish sect; no Islamic sect; no Catholic church -- unequivocally supports the ritual blessing of same-sex couples. And neither does Buddhism or Hinduism.

Now, it's true that in some religious denominations or sects, individual churches or synagogues can decide to do things like marry same sex couples, or ordain lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender people into the ministry or rabbinate.

But with the exception of the Metropolitan Community Churches, a Christian denomination specifically organized by and for gay and lesbian folks, no religious denomination supports the ordination or marriage of openly gay and lesbian persons, or has made a public statement of support for these things.

Except us, of course. Since 1970, Unitarian Universalist delegates to the annual UU General Assembly and the UUA Board have made more than twenty public statements in support of bisexual, gay, lesbian and transgender people and their rights to enjoy all the benefits and privileges that heterosexual people enjoy.

The first resolution called on all our congregations to end discrimination in our own hiring practices, to work in our localities to get laws off the books that made homosexuality illegal and discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation legal, and to develop education programs that promoted a healthy attitude toward all forms of sexuality. And all of the public statements encourage our congregations to take action against discrimination and for basic rights.

To say that this makes us unusual is an understatement. Yes, there are churches - some United Church of Christ congregations, some United Methodist, a few Episcopalian, occasionally a Baptist church - which are open and affirming and celebrate the lives of all their members, regardless of their sexual orientation. But in terms of rights, we're the only denomination besides the Metropolitan Community Church where a gay couple could walk into any one of our churches and assume the pastor would marry them; where they could assume it would be all right for them to hold hands in the sanctuary; where their names could be printed together as a couple, and with the names of their children, in the church directory - if they so desired.

These may seem like small things, but in a culture where, as Doug Strong put it in our reading, "For centuries, the church has been a leading force against sexual minorities" even these small things are an awesome force for good.

Today is October 12th. Part of the Columbus Day weekend. A time which I find, ironically, always to be a good one for talking about issues of human rights and diversity. Today also is the fifth anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard, as we heard in our readings. And yesterday was National Coming Out Day - a day celebrated every October 11th by the Human Rights Campaign foundation to mark the anniversary of the 1987 march on Washington for gay and lesbian equality. It's a day when gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their heterosexual friends and allies are encouraged to "come out of the closet," to be open about their sexual orientation or gender identity, or their support for friends, relatives and others in their lives who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

And today also marks the beginning of "Marriage Equality Week," a week dedicated to the legalization of same-sex marriage organized by the Metropolitan Community Churches.

All good reasons for us to be taking a look this morning at what it would mean for UUCW to become a Welcoming Congregation.

What's a Welcoming Congregation? It is a Unitarian Universalist congregation that has received recognition from the Unitarian Universalist Association for being open, affirming and inclusive of people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender. Just over 400 of our congregations - or about 40 percent -- have received this recognition.

Some of you know about the Welcoming Congregation, because we offered a series of Welcoming Congregation workshops here last year and more than a dozen people participated. The workshop titles include topics like these: How Homophobia Hurts Heterosexuals; Connections to Other Forms of Oppression; Gender Socialization and Homophobia; and Biblical Perspectives on Homosexuality. They were developed to reduce prejudice by increasing understanding and acceptance among people of different sexual orientations.

But it takes more than offering workshops and having a few people come to them to become a congregation that really offers a safe and affirming place.

The church I served in Washington became a Welcoming Congregation six years ago. It wasn't hard to do, but it wasn't simple. There were sixteen action steps we had to take. The first was offering the Welcoming Congregation workshop series. And when we engaged in those workshops, we needed to be honest about our prejudices and misconceptions. We needed to listen to the fears underneath the voices of people who said things like, "We've always welcomed gay people. We certainly would never turn away anyone at the door. Why do we have to make such a big deal out of this?" Or those who said, "I don't mind if gay people come to the Fellowship, but why do they have to talk about it all the time?" We had to understand our resistances.

We also had to "come out." We had to reveal ourselves to our wider community as being in support of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Some church members were very nervous about this, fearful that the church would become a target of violence or hate crime. Fortunately that didn't happen. What did happen was that certain conservative members of the local ecumenical ministers' group refused to come to any meeting where I was present, declaring to the group's leader that I and my church were an abomination.

This did not make me feel good or safe, but it did make me determined. And the Welcoming Congregation workshops helped build a core group that took on the rest of the action steps, which included

- Involving key staff and congregational leaders in the process.

- Offering congregation-wide program(s), with follow-up opportunities for study and reflection.

- Making sure that our sexuality education program, Our Whole Lives was offered to our junior high students.

- Adjusting congregational bylaws and other relevant documents to include an affirmative nondiscrimination clause concerning membership, hiring practices, and the calling of religious professionals.

- Making sure language and content in worship services was inclusive of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and families, and providing worship coordinators and speakers with guidelines on inclusive language.

- Providing worship space and ministerial services for bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transgender rites of passage, such as services of union, civil marriages and dedications of children.

- Welcoming bisexual, gay, lesbian, and/or transgender persons in the congregation's brochure and website, and advertising in media that would reach those communities.

- Ensuring that publications, public information, and programming reflected the requested status of any individual; recognizing same-gender couples in directories and other publications as they desire.

- Celebrating and affirming bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transgender issues and history during the church year.

- Participating in and/or supporting efforts to create justice, freedom, and equality for bisexual, gay, lesbian, and/or transgender people in the larger society.

- Establishing and maintaining contact with local bisexual, gay, lesbian, and/or transgender groups to offer support and promote dialogue and interaction.

When I look at our congregation, I see that we have, perhaps, already completed five of the action steps. We've also done parts of several others. And we certainly would do things like providing space for a chapter of Interweave to meet, if such a group were to be organized here.

But being willing to do something isn't the same as doing it. And while I know that our congregation has a reputation for being warm and friendly, and I know no one here who would purposefully exclude or oppress someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, I don't know if I could promise anyone that we are truly an affirming place for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

Should we become such an affirming community? I believe we should. But is now the time to work on this, when as a congregation we have so many things on our plate - much that has to do with core structures like policies, bylaws, and our very sense of mission, vision and purpose as a whole church?

In answer, let me tell you another story about my previous church. When I went to serve as their minister, they were a congregation of 90 members who had been three years without a full time minister. They were beginning to heal from the conflict that had ended their previous minister's tenure. They were divided and depleted.

They also were about to enter the Welcoming Congregation process, and they called me and asked if it would be okay with me if they got started working on it right away - before I arrived.

I said, "Sure! Go ahead. I'll help when I get there." And so a group formed and began planning - a group that included the one out gay person in the church, and several mothers of gay and lesbian adult children.

Eight years later, that church had doubled in membership and increased 50 percent in children's religious education enrollment. Their real assets tripled. And they had become known in their wider community - a community with several large Navy installations that was very conservative both religiously and politically - they had become known as a safe and affirming place for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, and as an advocate for human rights.

What did becoming a Welcoming Congregation have to do with this? A lot. The kickoff of the workshop series was publicized in the daily paper two years in a row. Reporters began calling me for quotes on issues of concern to the gay community, and my interfaith ministerial colleagues began to see me as a resource as well. Gaining official recognition as a Welcoming Congregation gave the congregation the authority to take positions on issues of oppression. The church came out of its closet, took a stand, and began to form partnerships with other organizations and groups in the community.

And the church's stand helped change the wider community as well. It went from being largely hostile toward a largely closeted gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender population, to being the home of eight or nine organizations advocating for or offering programs and support to those populations and their heterosexual allies. These organizations included three churches, and one military-based organization.

Two other interesting things happened to the church, too. The number of church members who were open about being gay, lesbian or bisexual went from 1 percent to more than ten percent. And 75 percent of new members of all sexual orientations told us that our stand as a Welcoming Congregation had been an important factor in their choice to come to the church initially, and to join it.

Becoming a Welcoming Congregation changed that church. It gave them a challenge, a center, a cause, a reason to feel proud. They could see the difference they were making as more and more gay and lesbian people made their spiritual home there. They came to know themselves better, and everyone benefited from the changes in knowledge, attitudes and actions. It was astonishing.

And if they could do it in Bremerton, Washington, chances are very good that we could do it here. Again, you might be wondering, is now the time, when there's so much else that needs to be done? But the answer to that question is always yes. There is never a wrong time for people of faith to engage in work for human rights. Like my colleague the Rev. Richard Gilbert, I believe that if we are truly to be spiritual people, liberal religious people, we must use the power that our spirituality implies, and we must use our personal power in a public way. Ignoring our calling to fight injustice makes our spirituality a shallow one, and our religious commitment a mere convenience.

And make no mistake that injustice still exists. Think of Matthew Shepard, and the oppressive monument that Fred Phelps is trying to raise in the city park in Shepard's hometown, declaring that Shepard is now in hell. Think about the fact that while gay and lesbian couples can now be legally married in Canada, and obtain civil unions in several states, there are people in positions of power who will never recognize the legality of those marriages. And most same sex couples still lack basic rights like Social Security survivor benefits, the ability to make decisions on their partner's behalf in medical emergencies, the right to petition for a partner to immigrate, access to medical leave to care for a seriously ill partner, and the right to give their children two legal parents. And most of the world lacks any real understanding of the issues transgender people face, to say nothing of the concerns of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender teenagers.

And thus, in the midst of our busy congregational life, there are many ways we can take action. Many ways to build on the start made by our Social Action Committee's Welcoming Congregation group. Becoming an open and affirming church that supports and celebrates the lives of members of all sexual orientations and gender expressions doesn't happen overnight. Becoming an advocate and resource to the wider community doesn't, either. These things build, step-by-step, person-by-person, when we gather our courage, educate ourselves, face our prejudices and our fears, and take action.

If you would like to help continue this process here in this church, or you have questions about that process, I hope you'll join us for the sermon discussion time after the service. Or you can call me or send an email message - the church phone number and my email address are on the back cover of your order of service every week.

May the work of our hearts and minds and hands be blessed as we move forward, as we continue working to bring the healing hope of liberal religion to our hurting world, and justice, equity and compassion to all.

Amen.

Sources:
> the UUA Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Concerns
> the Human Rights Campaign
> Matthew Streib's column on Matthew Shepard